You probably didn't know what to say when your friend
told you the
news. I'm sorry? Don't worry, you'll be fine? How can
I help?
No matter what you say, it can sound hollow and meaningless
when you're looking your friend in the eye. Meanwhile,
you're going through your own feelings of shock, fear,
and anxiety, yet you want to be there for this person who
means so much to you.
It should be easy to help, but most times, it's anything but
easy.
I remember when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease at 16
years old, most of my friends had no idea what to do or say. Looking back, I
can understand how they felt. How were they to know what I would think was
helpful, and what I would feel was intrusive or out of place?
Unfortunately, what often ends up happening is that friends feel
uncomfortable and unsure how to handle the situation, so they just don't. They
disappear from your life for awhile. And that's the worst outcome, right?
If at all possible, don't abandon your friend. Of course, you
have to take care of yourself, and you have to know your limits. Your past
experiences may make some parts of the process harder than others. That's okay.
There are many, many ways to help a friend with cancer.
Here are just a few. Pick the ones that work for you, and trust
me, your friend will be grateful! Better yet, you'll feel good knowing that
you're doing something, which always feels better than doing nothing simply
because you don't know what to do.
10 Ways to Help a Friend Who Has Cancer:
Think about your friendship, and let that guide you. If this is
the type of friend that is regularly at your house and vice-versa, you'll have
more leeway than if this is a work colleague or a friend of the family. Follow
your intuition to decide what's best.
1. Cook
Regardless of the type of cancer or the type of friend, food is
always a good idea. Your friend and his family will need to eat, and preparing
meals will probably be the last thing on his list. You may also just do some
basic grocery shopping to help stock the cupboards for when your friend doesn't
feel like doing it himself.
2. Listen
One of the biggest things that can trip you up is not knowing
what to say. That's all right. Tell your friend you don't know what to say, but
offer to listen. Resist the urge to be overly positive and act
like everything's fine.
What your friend really needs is someone to empathize with how
she's feeling in the moment. Concentrate on being reflective, with statements
like, "It sounds like you're feeling scared. I can see why you'd feel like
that." If you can hear both the good and the bad, you'll be a cherished
friend.
3. Stay consistent
If you normally take your pal out to lunch, continue to invite
her. Offer to bring lunch to her house if she's not up to going out. If you
typically watch the game together, don't stop. Continue to invite your buddy
over, or offer to host the game at his den. Your friend will appreciate knowing
that you still value their company, sick or not.
4. Babysit
If your friend has children or pets, offer to watch them when
needed. This can be a huge help if your friend has to travel for treatments, or
just needs a weekend off.
5. Communicate
Providing ongoing updates and thank you notes to family and
friends can be a giant task for someone living with cancer. Offer to pick up
the slack with regular emails, a specific Facebook page, or even with
handwritten notes. This can be a giant help to someone with waning energy.
6. Pitch in
If you're comfortable in your friend's house and she is
comfortable with you there, consider pitching in with the laundry,
housecleaning, or yard work. If you sense that your friend would prefer to be
asked, say something specific, like, "You know, I'd love to do a load of
laundry for you. What do you have that I could throw in the washer?" This
will usually work better than, "What can I do to help?"
7. Provide distraction
Sometimes what your friend needs is to get his mind off the
cancer. Consider taking him to a movie, bringing over some board games, going
to the park, or doing something else you know he'll enjoy.
8. Drive.
Cancer treatments often involve medications that make it
dangerous for your friend to drive. Chemotherapy can also mean long hours in
the hospital alone. A friend that can take the keys and provide some needed
company can be a godsend.
9. Pay.
It's no secret that for many people, cancer can wipe them out,
financially. It all depends on the type of cancer and the cost of treatment, as
well as the insurance company, but I've known many survivors who lost their
jobs and their houses.
If you're able and want to, find ways to pitch in financially.
That may mean organizing a fund-raising website or event in your community, or
simply providing your friend with a gift card to the grocery store, gas
station, or to the place where they buy their prescriptions.
10. Don't give up.
Your friend is going to have good and bad days. During the bad
days, she may snap at you or say something that seems unkind or thoughtless.
Don't give up. Try again with something new, like lunch or a book by her
favorite author, and let it go.
Remember that sometimes the cancer can mess with people's
spirits, but every kind deed comes back to you ten-fold.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com
Published
December 21, 2012 at 7:03 AM